Tiring, Frustrating Week

I feel so tired and depressed...

1) Bryant is sick again! Bronchitis and diarrhea. He has been eating medicine since before CNY till now. But his cough did not recover and in fact has worsened. Was on neubilizer last Friday evening. His diarrhea also did not improved because he refused to drink soy milk and he also refused food intake. Only kept crying and crying. He has lost weight and his face is very pale now. :(

2) Sarah got the virus from Bryant and starts to have diarrhea too. Last night started to get feverish.

3) Re-structure AGAIN!! Damned! Gotta look for new job again. Deli gave me a deadline and expects me to leave by August. :( Hate that ass**** who inititated this re-structure!!

4) Think I am too tired and thus low immune system, and I got the flu and fever from Bryant yesterday. Haiz....

A Mummy's Woes..

Everyone tells me that breastmilk is good for babies but they never said is so TIRING and TIME-CONSUMING.

After Sarah was discharged from hospital, I latched her during every feed, each breast 15mins but she would always fall asleep while feeding. When I put her down on her cot, she would wake up n cried coz was still hungry. Then I would continue to breastfeed again. It would take close to 1hr to ensure she is well-fed. After that, I would pump 30mins for the remaining milk.

As breastmilk is made up of 70% water and rest is other nurtrients, Sarah gets hungry easier. She would scream for her milk about 1.5~2hrs later. Therefore I gotta repeat the WHOLE PROCESS again!! *faintz* I look like a cow!

Now I feed her by bottle. So MIL can help me feed while I pump milk. I would latch her during the night so that I do not need to pump and can sleep longer.

Sarah likes being carry to sleep. She would wake up immediately if we put her back to cot. No choice I let her sleep on her tummy although the nurses reminded me not to as it is very dangerous but Sarah can sleep longer if she sleep on her tummy.




I really dunno what's wrong with Bryant. He kept throwing things all over the place and throw his temper for no reason. :( Deli used the cane on him but he still the same. My heart aches when Deli canes him. Last night Bryant was caned again for throwing his toys on the floor and at me. Deli caned him many times. Bryant cried till his voice became hoarse. There were so many cane marks on his arms and legs. I nearly cried but I controlled my tears from flowing out.

I think Bryant hates us now for always scolding and caning him. But I really do not know what I should do to make sure he understand all these things he done are wrong. Are we using the wrong approach? I hate to cane and scold him but sometimes he is really too much!



Bryant's childcare is also giving me headache. They kept accepting more toddlers but the teachers ratio are still the same. Bryant fell down last week during outdoor and they did not inform me. Bryant's both kneecaps and elbows are swollen. I only know when Bryant reached home and told me is painful. I called the childcare and asked them if Bryant had a fall and what I got back was "Oh? Did he fall down?" I was very angry and told them Bryant complained very painful and were swollen. The teacher said perhaps he fell down during outdoor. Children fall down is very common, but they should inform me even tho is not VERY SERIOUS that require to go hospital.

Bryant wore a t-shirt home that did not belong to him. I quickly called childcare to inform them and the teacher said they have put aside Bryant's t-shirt and would passed back to me the next working day. I went to the childcare that day itself to return the t-shirt but TILL NOW I still have not got back Bryant's t-shirt. I called and asked and NOW THEY SAID they do not know where the t-shirt is. They said will pay me back for the lost t-shirt. I am not chasing them for the $$, is that they should tell me is lost in the first place. I will not get angry coz it is common to misplace but I do not like people to lie to me. The childcare is always very messy during lunchtime as one teacher would prepare milk, one or two look after those who are still eating, two teachers are bathing the toddlers and one teacher would look after those who have finished eating and bathing.

Perhaps all childcare centres are the same, I am expecting too much. *shrug*

She is getting on my nerves!

I took leave on Tuesday to rest after a hectic day helping Sebas on Monday. Since I'm at home, I took care of Bryant needs. I don't see any problem at all!

BUT she is not making my task easy! As Bryant is being looked after by her from Monday to Friday, he tends to stick to her. Logical! No wrong! To me, in order to bridge the gap between us, I must make more effort to take care of his needs and have more bonding sessions.

I tried to feed him dinner and he saw her walking around the house and started to cry. She came out of her room and sat beside me and used toys to distract him from crying but Bryant still howls.

No choice. I decided to carry him to feed finish his dinner. She said she wants to take over but I rejected her offer and asked her if I can feed him. She actually said "CAN.. BUT HE DOES NOT WANT YOU AT ALL!!" and cried at the same time!

I was furious and carried Bryant to kitchen and finished feeding him in peace.

How can she said this type of thing to me!? Maybe I am OVER-REACTING.. But I still think she should not talk in this manner to me. Show no respect to me!

I hate her presence now. How I wish I can get out of that HELL soon!!

Bryant is 8 months old TODAY!! :)

Yippee!! Bryant is 8 months old today!! :)

Today Deli and I brought Bryant to Vivocity to shop. We finally used our stroller today. But Bryant does not like it. I had to stand in front of him so that he can keep still but after awhile he would cry n asked me to carry. Think he needs more time to adjust. :)







Today mil reached home before we went out. When she knew we were going out, as usual, she kept quiet. I was carrying Bryant and about to leave, she came out from her room, with her eyes red and sobbing quietly. She kissed Bryant and went back to her room. DRAMA again! -_-" Too bad Deli missed this and I'm not going to mention to him to spoil our shopping mood. But as the hours passed, I got more angry. What's the problem with her!?! When we reached home and had our dinner, I avoided eye contact with her. She kept trying to get Bryant's attention, and yes, she did it, as usual. After that, when she attempted to indicate "bao bao" to Bryant, I carried him away and back to my room. After that, I heard her chatting/talking to fil, suddenly a sentence came out quite loud "afraid her son close to ah ma!". Wondering if that sentence was meant for me. Anyway, HECK CARE!

This 8 months hasn't been easy for me. I nearly go into depression, thank goodness, my friends sticked around and encouraged me. So much conflicts that I nearly gave up but when I reached home and saw Bryant smiles at me, I know I can't give up. Seeing him smiles at me makes me forget all my unhappiness. He is my miracle, a gift from god. Moving out is MISSION IMPOSSIBLE so I must learn to handle the ordeal which will be thrown at my face in the future.

My wish for Bryant is to grow up healthily. I LOVE U! :)

Is it a must... ??

Is it a must to sleep sarong?? So that his head will look nicer?

Is it a must to stay at home? So that he wont' become "huey kah"?

Is it a must to eat green vegetables? If do not eat, will he hate vegetables when he grows up??

Is it a must to eat carrots? Will it neutralize the western medicine effects?

Is it a must to look after Bryant when I'm at home? Will he forget my existence or grow distant if I did not?

Is it a must to insist on own style of upbringing for the child?

Is it a must to move out? Will moving out solve all the problems?

Why are there so many "Is it a must..??"

I feel so tired... so drained out..

Can I live with it.. ?? How long can I take it??

Deli is ANGRY..

Deli had a heated argument with MIL last night.

Earlier, San Yi called and asked us what time we will be going over to Da Kim house this coming Saturday. MIL told her she will not be going and staying at home to look after Bryant. Only Deli and I will be going. When Deli heard this, he started to ask her how come Bryant cannot go. But MIL did not answer him and he followed her to her room. "Why Bryant cannot go??"

MIL replied him "That time when I went to wen shen, shuping said she will believe then I went to ask. Shen said Jia Kai cannot go out at night!"

Deli looked at her and replied "I want to bring him go Da Kim house on Saturday evening!"

MIL rushed into my room and said "You said you believe then I go and ask!!" I nodded my head.

She went out to living room "You really not going to listen to me?!"

Deli replied "I am his father! And I want to bring him go out this Saturday! Do you know he has not been going back to visit his grandparents for very long time?"

MIL shouted "Go back lo!!"

Deli replied "We will and you better stop talking about this!!" MIL went back to her room and cried.

When I woke up around 4am to prepare milk for Bryant, MIL came out of her room and said want to talk to me after I fed Bryant. She asked me to stand in front of the altar. "I have never stop you going back to your parent's place! They are your parents! They raised you up, just like me, raised Deli up! How can he talk to me like that!!??" And she started to cry. "My heart aches!!" FIL came out and asked MIL to stop ranting. She went back to her room and cried and I went back to my room but was unable to fall alsleep. I felt sad for her but felt that she deserved it too. Conflicting thoughts. She always want things to be in her way, regardless right or wrong, insensitive to others' feelings. Deli is brought up in this manner thus he became rebellious. I only hope Bryant won't become like him because MIL is taking care of him the same way she took care of Deli. *pray hard*

Ridiculous

Deli told me his mum called him during the day to talk about Bryant. She said Bryant fell sick because we brought him out. She said when Bryant fall sick, we are the ones who are looking after him, not my parents. We are the ones who suffer. After hearing this, I felt damned angry! I asked Deli is she trying to say my parents passed the virus to Bryant?? It could be anyone!! His auntie also came to visit Bryant during weekend. It could be her! Deli was calm and tried to pacify me. Said he agreed and disagreed with his mother. He agreed with his mother that we are the ones who are taking care of him and was really hard on us. He also feels that she's abit over-protective over Bryant coz she looks after him during the day and spends alot of time with him. I asked him so is it I cannot go back to my mum's place anymore? He said I'm Bryant's mother, no-one can stop me to bring him back to my mum's place and he feels that his mum is only referring to going out shopping.

We stopped our conversation when we heard the door being opened. I quickly rushed into toilet as I had started crying. When I came out, I avoided eye contact with her and went back into our room. Deli came in after sometime and asked me if I'm angry with him. Told him no. He said his mother asked him if he has told me regarding their afternoon conversation. He told her no and she scolded him not a man if he has told me and yet told her no. I looked at him expressionless "Who told you staying together is a breeze?" He left the room without a word.

My tears start to drop again. :(

First Conflict

I know staying together is not easy. Mummy always reminded me not to be too rash and not to get Deli stuck in-between. BUT THIS IS NOT EASY.

Earlier in the afternoon, Xiao Kim was toking to MIL if Bryant sleep in sarong, his head will be more round and nice. But she knows I do not like the idea of sleeping sarong.

After everyone had left, MIL came to my room and raised her voice at me "Jia Kai is being looked after by me and I want him to sleep in sarong!!"

I was pissed and asked her back "SO when you wanna put him in sarong?? NOW??"

She replied "Not now" and left my room.

I can foresee.. My life will not be peaceful anymore!